


What if I Wanted to Break?

by ChokolatteJedi



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Blood, Character Death, Dark, M/M, One Shot, Songfic, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-10-13
Updated: 2006-10-13
Packaged: 2017-10-14 05:23:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/145826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChokolatteJedi/pseuds/ChokolatteJedi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if I Wanted to Break?</p>
            </blockquote>





	What if I Wanted to Break?

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by the lovely My Sweet Koinu.
> 
> Happy Birthday to me!

Harry’s gaze swept the darkened room. Think dust coated every surface – the classroom had clearly been empty for decades if the elves didn’t even bother to clean it anymore. It would do. Harry quickly cast a charm and the dust vanished. He closed the door behind him and cast a series of wards and charms to lock and shield the door.

The dim moonlight coming through the only window was just enough to guide Harry as he crossed the room. He curled up on the window ledge and gazed out at the dark night. It was Halloween, and the glowing lights from the feast reflected across the lawn and shone on the edge of the lake.

Hogwarts was beautiful at night. Harry often snuck out and walked around the grounds in the moonlight. It was peaceful then; he could forget. Forget green beams in the dark, forget the scent of blood, forget rain-drenched blonde hair.

It’d been three years since that Halloween. Three years of classes all day and mourning his love all night. Harry had done his best to be their savior – to ignore the pain that scorched his veins as the world celebrated. He had done everything they had ever demanded of him, but he could not forget. He was the man-who-lived, but without Draco he was just existing.

Harry’s mind flashed back to the summer before sixth year, and his training with the Order. They had shown him how to fight, taught him to endure, trained him to bend, but never break.

“What if I wanted to break?” he screamed, beating his fist against the unforgiving stone ledge. “What if I wanted to?” he repeated, sobs wracking his frame as hysterical giggles poured from him.

It could have been hours that he sat there – crying, and laughing, and watching the golden lights dancing on the lake’s shadowed surface. At last he exhaled shakily and pressed his flaming cheek against the cold stone. Tired green eyes gazed back at him from the window pane; eyes reflecting a soul far too old and sorrowful to belong to a man barely twenty.

But Harry had never been young. The jaded old man staring back at him was the real Harry, not the still-boyish face and messy hair hiding him. Draco was the only one who had seen that. He knew the Harry deep inside – the real Harry.

He could almost see Draco reflected beside him, hands wrapped around his waist and head resting on Harry’s shoulder.

“I want you,” he whispered. He knew there would be no answer. There never was.

A loud bust of music from the hall interrupted his thoughts and Harry almost smiled. It sounded like they were having fun at the feast. And they had a right to celebrate tonight. They were free.

Harry wasn’t free, but he soon would be.

He pulled Siri’s knife from his pocket. The silver of the blade shone dully in the moonlight as Harry gently ran his finger down the sharp edge. Then, with a quick motion, he drug it across his arm, smiling faintly as a dark red vein formed on his tanned wrist.

Heat surged through Harry’s blood; heat he hadn’t felt since the last time he and Draco had been together, the night before the final battle. The burst of pain was sweet and intoxicating, like the taste of Draco on his lips. Blindly, Harry slashed the knife across his wrist over and over, needing to feel that painful pleasure again.

The blood that streamed from his arms quickly drenched the window ledge and Harry felt a sense of calm envelope him. He was almost gone.

His wards shuddered: someone was trying to get in. Harry didn’t really care – they would find him eventually – he just hoped they wouldn’t try to stop him. The wards shook again, and finally cracked. Two figures entered, figures Harry instantly knew, despite his hazy vision.

“Severus!” Minerva cried, drawing her wand, “we have to s-”

“No.” Harry drew upon his waning magic and pushed them both backwards. He wouldn’t let them stop him from joining Draco, from finishing. He had to explain that to them. “What if I wanted to break?” He whispered, forcing the words out as his vision darkened.

Both professors paused, and Harry could sense their confusion and indecision. He heard Severus step back.

“What if I … what if… I…” Harry finally let the darkness claim him and he hoped that they understood. He was finished. He was broken.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the 30 Seconds to Mars song, “The Kill.” Here are the lyrics.  
>  _  
> What if I wanted to break  
>  Laugh it all off in your face  
> What would you do?  
> What if I fell to the floor  
> Couldn't take this anymore  
> What would you do? (do, do)_
> 
>  _Come, break me down  
>  bury me, bury me  
> I am finished with you_
> 
>  _What if I wanted to fight  
>  Beg for the rest of my life  
> What would you do? (do, do)  
> You say you wanted more  
> What are you waiting for  
> I'm not running from you (from you)_
> 
>  _Come, break me down  
>  bury me, bury me  
> I am finished with you  
> Look in my eyes  
> You're killing me, killing me  
> All I wanted was you_
> 
>  _I tried to be someone else  
>  But nothing seemed to change  
> I know now, this is who I really am inside  
> Finally found myself  
> Fighting for a chance  
> I know now, this is who I really am_
> 
>  _Come break me down  
>  bury me, bury me  
> I am finished with you, you, you  
> Look in my eyes  
> You're killing me, killing me  
> All I wanted was you  
> Come, break me down  
> Break me down  
> Break me down_
> 
>  _What if I wanted to break...?  
>  What if I...  
> What if I...  
> _


End file.
